she's just saying...

Euphemisms and You

This post really has nothing to do with you, sorry. I just liked the alliteration.

As well as Twinkies, tampons, farting dolls, soup mixes, cottage cheese, cheap wine and drywall corners, I used to market housing developments, or as we called them, "neighborhoods." 

My former housemate, Mark, and I both worked for a local home builder. (Not "House," but Home. Always.) I would lure them in with advertising ("traffic generation") and he would sell them a house ("conversion"). We became well-versed in the particular vocabulary niche of home sales. Phrases like nook: a corner with a desk, or butler's pantry: a hallway with cupboards. (There are so many more; feel free to share your favorites with us in the comments.)

I particularly loved the realtor phrase: "Master on the Main." This is not actually an archaic British Naval Fleet title but refers to the bedroom being at ground level. Such a flight of poetry, really, or maybe it's just me.

Anyway, this post is not about any of that particularly, it's about this sign that I noticed the other day in one of these upscale "communities." It seems to be a convoluted solution to avoid the otherwise tacky and depressing phrase DEAD END. It also has that curious construction often used by those for whom English is not their native tongue, but I dunno. I saw it and immediately thought of you, dear readers, knowing you'd appreciate it as I did.

"The Street Not Thru Kids": doesn't have quite the same ring, really.

Well excuse me! Didn't mean to interrupt!

Get a room! But not my room.

Muffin and Bob, caught in the act. It's an abusive relationship, though. Reciprocally. 

Winds of change

Dick Van Dyke in blackface?

"Winds from the east... Mist comin' in... Like something's a brewin', about to begin... Can't put me finger on what lies in store... But I feel what's to 'appen, all 'appened before..."

- Mary Poppins, 1964

needle junkie

Around here, people like to talk about their "quiver" of skis and snowboards.

I have a quiver of knitting needles.

There are at least four different needle attributes: kinds, materials, sizes and lengths. The most usual choices are:

• straight
• circular
• double-pointed

• aluminum
• steel
• wood
• bamboo
• plastic
• casein

• diameter sizes 0000 to 50

• lengths from 4" to 60"

Since I'm only working at a fifth-grade math, I won't do the calculations to come up with the number of permutations. (Next year: sixth grade.) Also, not all parameters are available in all needles, but you get the point, or double-point. (knitting joke!)

Anyway, right now I'm knitting socks on size 1's. (Or actually 1.5's, due to some confusion between metric and non-). They're pretty skinny. I feel quite dainty and pretty using the little needles - much more refined. The downside to these is that you knit and knit and knit and you've maybe gone an inch over an hour. In contrast to the fat boys, (35's in the shot below) two rows is an inch. 

Ah well, it's the process, not the product, right? So I keep telling myself, while I wield these little toothpicks with fine thread-like yarn.

An artiste needs her tools, oui?

The wheels on the bus

In certain authoritative regimes when citizens feel wronged by the authorities their only recourse is to speak out publicly, in the hopes that others will take up the cause. This is my polemic about Mr. Bill, the Bus Driver.

It's no secret that Henry has trouble making the bus in the morning. Many days see him running down the block, backpack and coat flying, racing to catch the bus while the kids cheer him on. He usually manages to reach the door just before the driver pulls away. Today was no different, though this morning the bus driver wouldn’t let him on. He drove down the next block, stopped at the stop sign where he could have opened the door, but didn’t. The bus, chased by Henry, then crossed busy 14th St. and headed off. Henry, through some mad racing skillz, made it to the next stop where the bus driver just shook his head and drove on. The kids on the bus were shouting and trying to get the driver to stop. They drove/ran another hundred yards, when the bus driver pulled ahead and left Henry in his exhaust. Exhausted Henry was, and returned home defeated and in tears.

The driver’s behavior was ridiculous, unsafe, and downright cruel. This driver is said to have a mean streak, evidenced by the neighborhood kids complaining, boycotting the bus, and even crying about having to ride it (I won’t name victims’ names here). I’d had enough, called the Bus Barn to register my concern, and got no satisfaction. I was lectured about Henry getting to the bus on time and how this driver says the kids love him. “He always shows me things the kids give him, nice notes and stuff,” his supervisor said. (Hmmm. Why has he felt he has to produce evidence? Is it because there have been other complaints?) I asked for his name in order to follow up further, and was told it was Bill. “Bill what?” I asked. “We don’t give out their last names.” Reminds me when the police covered their badges during the Watts riots. But I tend to be dramatic.

I believe in the public school bus system. Riding the bus is an important part of public school. It teaches socialization and allows every child access to school whether their parents can drive them or not, and is part of our tax support. Plus, I hate to join the endless morning line of SUVs with moms on cellphones, coffee in one hand, idling in front of the school drop-off zone, coddling their privileged kids who don’t want to ride the bus. (Why, yes, I do have strong feelings about that.) Not to mention it makes me late for work.

We were hoping to just get through the end of the school year and leave Mr. Bill behind, but it turns out that he’ll be Henry’s driver in middle school as well. Luckily, middle school is only a mile and a half away, so Henry can ride his bike. We’ll get studded snow wheels for the winter.

Edited to add: I know, Henry has to learn to get to the bus on time and that there are consequences to his poor decisions. I'm not condoning the bus driver "enabling" his being late. Henry will learn from this incident, but unfortunately he'll also learn that adults can be cruel.

Feel like a frylet?

I know I do, 'cause it's Friday! 

Why I can't fold my laundry:

It's all Bob's fault.

Yes or No?

OK, another random wacky meme, this one from a few Facebook pals. I'm only doing this because I want a certain someone else to answer as well. Those who wish to play can copy/paste into an email or Facebook note. C'mon, try it! It's fun! Or at least it's a good way to waste five minutes at work.

"You can ONLY answer Yes or No.

You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone asks, and believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming. Nothing is exactly as it seems.

Tag your friends, etc. etc."

Kissed any one of your Facebook friends? -- Yes
Been arrested? --- No
Been in a fight? --- No
Fallen fast for someone? -- Yes
Regretted a relationship? --- No
Been in a tornado? --- No
Stayed in bed all day? --- Yes
Kissed someone you didn't like? -- Yes
Slept in until 5 PM? --No
Fallen asleep at work/school? --- Yes
Held a snake? -- Yes
Ran a red light? --- Yes
Been suspended from school? ---No
Experienced love at first sight? --- Yes
Totaled your car/motorbike in an accident? ---No
Been fired from a job? --- Yes
Fired somebody? --- Yes
Sang karaoke? --- No
Pointed a gun at someone? --- No
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? --- Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? --Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? --- Yes
Kissed in the rain? --- Yes
Swam in the ocean? --- Yes
Been to a concert? --- Yes
Laughed till you cried? ---Yes
Kissed on the first date? -- Yes
Had a close brush with death (your own)? --- No
Seen someone die? --- Yes
Played spin-the-bottle? --- Yes
Sang in the shower? --Yes
Smoked a cigar? ---Yes
Sat on a rooftop? --- Yes
Smuggled something into another country? --- Yes
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? ---Yes
Broken a bone? --- Yes
Skipped school? --- Yes
Got a speeding ticket? -- Yes
Eaten a bug? --- Yes
Sleepwalked? --- No
Walked a moonlit beach? ---Yes
Rode a motorcycle? --- Yes
Dumped someone? --- Yes
Seen a baby born? --- No
Lied to avoid a ticket? ---Yes
Ridden in a helicopter? --- No
Shaved your head? --- No
Played a prank on someone? --- Yes
Hit a home run? --- No
Cross-dressed? --- No
Been falling-down drunk? --- Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? --- Yes
Eaten snake? --- No
Marched/Protested? --- Yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? ---Yes
Puked on an amusement ride? --- No
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? ---Yes
Been in a band? --- No
Knitted or crocheted? --- Yes
Been on TV? ---Yes
Shot a gun? ---No
Skinny-dipped? ---Yes
Gave someone stitches? --- No
Eaten whole habenero pepper? --- No
Ridden a surfboard? --- No
Drank straight from a liquor bottle? --- Yes
Had surgery? --- Yes
Streaked? ---No
Taken by ambulance to hospital? ---No
Passed out when not drinking? ---Yes
Peed on a bush? --- Yes
Donated Blood? --- Yes
Grabbed electric fence? ---No
Eaten alligator meat? --- No
Eaten cheesecake? --- Yes
Eaten your kids' Halloween candy? --- Yes
Killed an animal when not hunting? --- Yes
Peed your pants in public? --- No
Snuck into a movie without paying? ---Yes
Written graffiti? --- No
Still love someone you shouldn't? --- No
Think about the future? --- Yes
Been in handcuffs? --- Yes
Believe in love? --- Yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? --- Yes
Been walked in on having sex? --- No
Forged a signature? --- Yes
Stolen from a store? --- No
Been bungie jumping? -- No
Won the lottery? --- Yes
Visited more than 15 countries? --- Yes
Gambled in a casino? --- Yes
Given a public speech?---Yes

Top ten Tues: Breaking Pet News

In September I posted a bit about the local newsrag, the Bulletin, and its ceaseless coverage of happy (and not so) pet news on the front page above the fold.

In the hubbub of Easter, I overlooked another high-profile local news story: Cat in Tree. This story got two days of front page headlines: once about said Cat In Tree, then a follow-up: Cat Gets Out Of Tree. 

So, I thought I'd compile a list of the top ten Animal News items covered on the front pages of the Bend Bulletin in the last couple of years, as follows, in reverse chronological order. This list only includes Real News stories, not any articles from the weekly Pets section, the "Meet My Pet" feature, the lost animals column, the Best Pet Photo contest, etc.

They are:

1. Llama attacks jogger: found to be suffering from "Berserk Llama Syndrome" [the llama, not the jogger]
2. At-large wallaby returned to owner
3. Pet fish killed in domestic disturbance [found with knife through it]
4. Nickolas the Llama is found
5. Buster the Dog is found
6. Deer, shot by an arrow, survives
7. Deer dies in backyard [not the same deer as #6]
8. Local chimp bites off owner's finger
9. Cat gets stuck in tree
10. Cat jumps out of tree

And today's: Local Mountain Goat Tickled by Motocrosser

(Probably not really what's going on here, but I didn't read the whole story)

Most amazing home appliance ever

Henry's Uncle Steve, known to loyal readers as YrBigBro, sent Henry an amazing device that should profoundly influence the direction of our lives from now into the distant future.

Behold: The Muffin and Egg Maker!

It toasts the English muffin AND cooks the egg and even heats a sausage patty ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Brilliant, yes? Whoever invented this is a genius. I've even experimented with adding a little cheese to the egg cup and it works great. Instant egg mcmuffin!

This will radically improve our mornings and Henry's breakfast diet, which will help him concentrate better in school thus getting higher grades, getting accepted to a top school and earning the means to support his dear old mother in her impending old age. Wow. All from a little toaster. Isn't America great?!?

(For family unity I should note that the original toaster idea came from Dr. Sister who sent one to Steve who then sent another one to us. Thank you, family!)

 

The most happiest day of the year

Um, no, not Easter. I like it and all, the bunnies, the chocolate, the jelly beans, the Easter dresses. In fact, here's me in an adorable Easter outfit from the distant past:

Am I cute or what?

Though apparently I'm indicating to my parents that my purse is empty. Always subtle, that's me.

Where were we? Oh yes, the most happiest day of the year!

That would be Opening Day! Of the baseball season! Today! Yankees vs. Red Sox at Fenway!

What could possibly be better?  Assuming the Bosox win, of course. It's okay, we got the whole season ahead of us. This is the year, hope springs eternal, we'll show them this time and all that. Everyone's an optimist today. Or tomorrow, when all the other teams start play. So, it's time to...

PLAY BALL!

Peep sushi

From PostSecret. Wrapped in Rice Krispie treats and fruit roll-ups. Happy Easter!

Major Groan Ahead

Wait! Another Easter joke!

From my online friend Noni:

A man was driving along the highway and saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter Bunny jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man and animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road. He got out seeing what happened to the rabbit.

The Easter Bunny was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car, and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.

She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road!

Ten feet away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished! He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can.He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair - Adds Permanent Wave."

Easter? So soon?

It's Easter! and you know what that means: time for my annual Easter joke. (I only have about four jokes in my repertoire, so by necessity have to repeat them.) I've been preparing for it all day (that's a hint).

Those of you who were reading last year, please stand back and let the new kids play.

Ahem. Here goes:

Q.  What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

A: 

Got it? Written answer tomorrow.

Studless

We're having a lovely winter snowstorm here today.

It's not that winter here is so harsh; it's pretty sunny and temperate. It's that it's so long. Remember this snowy post on October 4? Well, six months later and it's exactly the same. I like snow, even though I no longer recreate in it. It's cozy and pretty; unlike rain, which is just wet.

The title of this post is not referring to my current relationship status (however appropriate). I'm talking tires. This is the land of the winter tire. Oregon still allows studs, those annoying loud wheels that chew up our streets. The rule is that they have to be off by March 31. This year, after many angry citizen phone calls and dire accident warnings, the state has relaxed the deadline to April 11.After that, $190 fine.

I have "studless" tires that do a fine job. I think it's funny that they're called studless - why aren't they just called tires?

So here's our vocabulary quiz for the day, to while away your time stuck in that endless meeting. What are other examples of words that describe a normal state by referring to the lack of a modifying condition? (And how else would you describe that kind of word?)

You may submit your answers below. Keyboards ready? Begin!

diamonds on the sole of her tires

Weird Words of the Week

(And it's only Thursday)

Freemium: heard in a business meeting: "Are you giving out anything to get people to join the club?" "Oh, a freemium? We will be doing a sweepstakes..."

Prizing: as in "...an exciting demo weekend of activities, events, the celebration of golf and plenty of additional prizing."

Lotionized: (see bottom of can)

"Cold, tired, hungry...

a woman is always one of the three."

- quote from a former boyfriend. And you know, around him it was true.

I'm reminded of that quote by a question from my sister re: blog topics:

"...what food do you instinctively reach for when you are tired, cold and hungry? I read somewhere that there are 2 types: English muffin people and baked potato people, each with appropriate fixings. Me, I'm an elbow macaroni woman. I say this as I'm making some at 11:00 at night, with 2 meetings and a 3 hr. class under my belt since 4:00 pm (but no dinner)."

Buttered elbow macaroni was a staple when we were kids. Elbows, butter, salt and pepper. Yum. I still occasionally go for that, though being a sophisticate, I add Parmesan. I think many comfort food preferences are set in childhood. PB&J, grilled cheese, cereal and milk - high in cals and carbs, warm, soft and filling. Mmm. Like a hot bubble bath. OK, I'm getting kind of grossed out now.

As an adult, I actually tend to be a cheese and crackers person (with wine, but that's a given). Or if I have time to boil a potato, mashed potatoes. With gravy if there's some congealing in the fridge. I've been known to spread butter on a saltine in an emergency.

Henry is more of a top ramen or chicken pot pie guy. Or cinnamon toast (he got that from me).

What about you guys? 

Really?  You actually need a book?

Pity the poor apostrophe

At the Museum, we hold a day for kids once a year (though really, every day is for kids). We've been having a little debate about the proper punctuation of that day, in particular, where (if at all) to insert the apostrophe. (OK, we're nerds. We work at a museum -- what do you expect?)

I finally gave up and banned the apostrophe from the day altogether, but it kept sneaking back. We managed to print it three different ways, depending on who was writing the blurb, sign or article. Here are our varied approaches:

Kid's Day (a day owned by a kid, or as we put it: "It's your day!" )

Kids' Day (a day owned by lots of kids: plural possessive for you grammar wonks)

Kids Day (a day about kids, kind of like Reptiles Day. We Celebrate the Reptile, but they don't own the day.)

There's actually a movement out there to kill the apostrophe. The website's writer goes on about how it takes too much time and money and it's snobby or something. While writing this post, I also ran across a website for apostrophe catastrophes (extra points for the cute name) that's guaranteed to increase your blood pressure if you care about these things.

I've been keeping a collection of flyers, letters and notices from Henry's school that contain misused apostrophes, mostly so I can rail on about how public education is going to hell and how our taxpayer dollars are going to punctuation abuse. It's shocking. I mean, c'mon, teachers and education administrators getting it wrong? Shouldn't there be a grammar test before you can teach school?

Or maybe it is an archaic custom. Maybe we should just kill the squiggly little nuisance. But I think I'd miss it.

Chart geek

I thought I'd ease back into this posting thing with a frylet. So tasty, so salty, so pleasing to find at the end of the workweek!

This is so much more clever than I could ever be. I stole it from here, a fascinating site for data wonks. To be of which I am proud.

Can this blog be saved?

What, you've given up on me and stopped reading? Okay, I admit, I've been a bit distant lately - maybe it's my fault. Let's try again! I know we can get back on track. How can we work this out? Or is it too late for us?

This is a two-way relationship, you know. You're all just take, take, take. You could step up here and fill in for me - that's what friends do, right?  Are you incapable of picking up the keyboard and doing a little post now and then? Am I asking so much?

Sorry, you're right; it's me, not you. I'm just so unmotivated lately. Maybe I need vitamins. I don't know, it's all just so much sometimes. It's just that you expect so much from me -- I've got a lot on my plate, you know. I could just use a little support.

No, no, I know you support me. I love it when you comment - it makes me feel so loved. You're really good to me, really. You do so much. I hope you know how much I appreciate you. You're the best.

But really, why is it all on me? Yes, yes, I know it's my blog and you shouldn't be expected to do my work. You have your own blogs to manage, I realize. But, really, aren't we a partnership? I know I'd help you in the same situation. I don't want to play the blame game. I'm not blaming you, really. I'm sure you mean well.

You know, let's just drop it. We're both a little upset right now. Maybe we need a little time apart. Or maybe we just need to spend a little more time together, just enjoying each others' company with no expectations. But of course, somebody's got to post around here. I mean, this blog isn't going to just take care of itself. Fine. I'll do it. No, it's fine, really. It's no problem. I'd love to. I do it all for you, you know. It's the least I can do. Love ya', mean it!

Meta-post

This post intentionally left blank.

[The "meta" or self-referential nature of this is that the post isn't blank if it actually says something, even that it's blank. Get it?]

Would someone please send me a topic to write about? How about this: I'll write something on the first three suggestions I get. As long as they're not nasty.

Kind of a scary challenge, but I'll try anything right about now...